{{NSFW}}
In the 90s and early 2000s, I was a huge Howard Stern fan. Every day I would get home from work and turn on my radio to hear that half jew freak bitch about everything that he hated (everything) I would laugh whenever they would play a fart sound (very childish but at the same time genius) or when Jackie would laugh over someone dying of AIDs. However, after Artie Lange and some of the other show members left, Stern quit being funny, and moved on to interviews with celebrities only. This ended my fun and I returned back to my miserable life, but this time without Dracula Gottfried, midgets, and lesbians in my mind.
One day, I was checking out a Jewish market and I noticed that one of the shops was selling several bootlegged items. Pirated Chinese NES games, fake pokemon toys, discs of movies that were still in theaters, and for some odd reason, cassette tapes. "Who the Black Klugee would want a cassete tape?" I muttered to myself. I quickly came to a conclusion "Those jews are too cheap to pay for Blu-rays." Soon my eyes met with the shopkeeper. He was an old rabbi. He spoke to me in an Eastern European accent (similar to the Pope or Dracula) "You look like a moron! I tink you vill liek this!" He showed me a tape that was labeled in black marker "(1997) Howard Stern Lost Tape: Baba Booey's rape" I was confused "Baba Booey got laid but I haven't?" The old kike looked over his bag of gold and matzo ball soup "Nope! Cuz you're a fayg! Now get out of my shop or elze I vill start singinggh EEEEESHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH-" "Ok I'll buy it! I'll buy it! Just please at least consider ending this Media control and give someone else a chance!" I bought the tape (even though it was a bootleg and I could have called the cops, however they arrested OJ, so I hate them!) and some midget porn and then dashed out of that hellhole as fast as I could.
As I walked out, I bumped into a man who looked strangely like Groucho Marx. He randomly told me "Back in my day, we used to listen to people talk. Whenever someone would say something funny, we would laugh, and we enjoyed hearing people who said funny things." "Shut up you old retard! I need to go home to jerk off!" I yelled at the senile comedian. "Back in my day, we wouldn't buy creepy bootlegged cassette tapes, because there would be a chance that the tape would be haunted and kill you." But I wasn't listening, and in fact, was already opening my car door by then.
I let my tape rock until my tape popped as I smoked on weed and bamboo---Sorry Biggie Smalls's ghost tried to take over this story. OOOOO SCARY! Anyway, I popped my tape in and began to listen to it. 1997 seemed like nothing out of the ordinary for Stern, because he was on all the time, but the promise of hot Baba Booey sex made my dick hard. I haven't heard this one yet.
The tape started out like an average day on the Stern show, just finishing up with an interview with Wack Pack members Beetlejuice and Daniel Carver. It was interesting because Beetlejuice is a black midget and Carver is the head of a KKK group in Georgia, so they obviously didn't get along together. They were talking about how much Daniel hates the movie "The Color Purple" and Beetlejuice was trying to spell "purple" but he had a really tough time. Very funny bit, but things got weird once they went to a commercial break. Normally, when they come back to the show, the song that plays is "Great American Nightmare" but this time it was Giygas's theme from the game Earthbound. I was so confused and so was Howard "What the hell is this garbage? Is this from some stupid obscure video game or something?" "Sorry Boff! I'll switch it!" said Baba Booey through his giant negro like lips. Baba Booey is a nickname for Howard's ugly producer Gary Dell'Abate.
Then they switched to my favorite part, The News. They were making fun of the death of Chinese Premier Deng Xiaoping with a funny racist Asian accent and Howard kept saying "Who cares?" But something was off: Howard's sidekick Robin Quivers was impossible to understand! The whole time she was talking backwards but everyone else could understand what she said. Even stranger, instead of playing a fart noise, they would play an agonizing scream and Howard's writer Jackie would begin to laugh. I thought nothing of it because it was a pretty weird show to begin with, so you never knew what was going to happen. However, everything turned into chaos during the next bit.
Gary the Retard was supposed to call in (this was a very early appearance for him) but for some reason the only sound that came out was a one of a mouse dying and screaming in anguish. 'Baba Booey you dope!" Yelled the jew king himself! "What is wrong with you?!" Baba Booey began to get angry "STOP CALLING ME THAT!" For some reason it sounded like his voice was very low pitched. Jackie was laughing in the background. "Baba Booey!" Every member of the studio shouted together. "STOP CALLING ME THAT!" His voice was demonic and sounded like a spawn from hell. "Baba Booey!" "CALL ME THAT ONE MORE TIME AND YOU'LL BE SORRY!" Booey sounded like he was huffing and puffing, as if he was about to explode. Everyone was silent for about 30 seconds. Then Jackie shouted "Baba Booey!" He started laughing like a maniac but these were his last words as the radio's noise started going insane.
It sounded like everything was knocked around in the studio and the mics were constantly bumped up against. Strange noises were everywhere. I couldn't hear very well but it sounded like there was a giant chomp and a lot of tearing. From what I could make out, Booey had clamped down onto Jackie's leg, and Jackie started screaming and crying for help. In the background you could still hear Jackie's crazed laugh. I could barely hear Howard because it sounded like he was away from the mic "What the fuck Gary?! Stop it! Dude stop it you fucking idiot! Get off of him you fucker!" I knew it was real because Howard was not allowed to swear on the air until he was on Sirius Radio in 2007, so there was no way that this was a skit. Robin was still talking in reverse but you could tell that she was freaking out.
After like 5 minutes of screaming and fighting, the radio fizzed and cut off. Then Jackie's laugh started playing nonstop for about 6 minutes. Finally, the sound came back on and you could hear Baba Booey laugh and say in a sexual voice "Howard Stern's Butthole! Howard Stern's Butthole!" You could hear Howard beg and plead him to stop, but he wouldn't stop repeating himself. Then I started to hear Howard Stern yell "NO! NO!" over and over again, as Booey made the tables bang and chairs falling down. "Howard Stern's butthole! Howard Stern's penis!" But here's the worst part! Gilbert Gottfried was narrating it all! "Gary is fucking Howard's asshole with his massive throbbing greasy Italian cock!" It was just like the aristocrats joke! The radio fizzed again and all you could hear was Jackie and Gilbert laughing together.
"What am I even listening to?" I asked myself. I looked at my hands and noticed that they were old and wrinkled. I felt my hair:it was black and curly. Finally, I looked into the mirror and realized that I WAS HOWARD STERN!!!!!!
"Hey now! I'm rich! I'm famous! I can have sex with super models! I hate bronies! I'm half jewish! I can have sex with super models!"
You'd think this would be a happy ending, but as I was going to sleep with a sexy stripper I met a club, I looked down at my ugly old man disgusting body and saw that I had Howard Stern's Penis™! NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!